The Impotence

There is a feeling of impotence when you share your children. The resounding change of gears they go through as they move into their other family, the one that you are not apart of. You can have the grandest endeavours or the best laid plans, once they leave your custody all of those intentions are no longer your call. They are the call of the other parent, the weekend parent. You cannot force your will for your children on the other parent. You walk a fine line with this person,this former partner turned enemy. Irregardless of who left, the children remain and for them you remain silent. I have no idea why I expect things after marriage that I didn't get during it. Yet I find myself hoping against hope that he will want to try and make things consistent and fair, try and find a balance we can both live with. The reality of the situation is being the hero is more important than doing what is right. Pancakes and Chinese food more important than the reality that these kids need more than that. They need more than someone who would teach them to lie to their mother and sneak things behind her back, damage their already strained systems and plummet them straight back into the frustrating life that I daily struggle to keep them from. It is as simple as the phrase you are what you eat. I watch them come home dizzy, with headaches, sore tummies and the frenzies, all of which are directly caused by them straying from the only thing that links all their behaviors. Their diet. I would love to their hero, I would love to lavish them with all the good things the other kids eat, I would love to bake a cake everyday. Instead I bear the brunt of their anger, talk them through their cravings and try to remember that I cannot be their hero because I am their Mother.