The Guilt.

It can literally consume you. It encapsulates you, swallows you whole, spits you out and convinces you that you are the worst Mother ever. It berates you, reminds you with every birthday party and every family event that your child is not normal and therefore is unwanted. It eats away at your self esteem, your self control, and your soul until you are desperate for answers and so physically exhausted you cannot take another step but when you lay your head to your pillow you dream of the time before. The moments that you cling to before the change, when your family made sense. Before the introduction of words you cannot understand.It starts with the public in general, as you lose control of your child and the world watches. There are stares, there are comments, there are excuses to why your child isn't invited. They are slowly deprived of the childhoods we remember, the good times we recall, the fun we had and we despair. What did I do? Resounds loud and clear in our heads, almost in time with our heartbeats. It beats louder and stronger with every friend that stops calling, every play date that is cancelled, every family member that asks that you don't bring your child along. What did I do... What did I do...What did I do...