The Ex.

We had nothing to say to each other. It was that bad. We lived in the same house, slept in the same bed, shared 3 people who had our DNA floating around inside of them. Yet here we were away from all that and we didn't have a thing to say to each other. I remember the feeling of resentment, it bubbled in my chest like acid reflux disease, choking me and burning the inside of my throat, restricting any possible conversation we could have had. I should have said the things that needed to be said, I should have given that to him. I should have told him how unfair it was that he had a career and I was still working at a dead end job, I should have told him I resented all the meeting he missed for Liam, the time he was gone for soccer, the time he was gone for coaching. I should have told him that I was tired of him still being allowed to be himself while I was sacrificed for the kids, for Liam. I should have told him about the phone call, the call I received during Liam's diagnosis telling me that he was seeing another girl and she was convincing him to leave me. I should have told him all of these things, but instead I sat in the same numbing pain I had shrouded myself in since my daughter was born a year before. I stopped fighting him, stopped begging him, stopped wanting him and inevitably stopped loving him. We split, he left, I was already gone. I continued to live in the home we had shared and changed it daily to remind myself that I was on my own. I went to counselling to deal with some depression. Some guilt issues I had with having a child with special needs and continued on fighting for Liam. I started jogging and eating better, I lost 30 pounds in 2 months. I went to my 10 year reunion alone, and had a great time. I read a lot, I cried a lot, I thought a lot. It was a great summer. I emerged better and stronger and continued the journey to the recovery. My recovery from Autism. My ex will always be my kid's Dad. I will be my kid's Mom. They know we both love them and that they are forever the tie that binds their parents.