The Day.

I am committed to my children. They are my first and ,in certain situations, only priority. My greatest regret is having to share their time with their Dad. He is entitled to them and he is good to them, but I miss them. We have routines that make our days special. Avery sits in my lap every morning at 6am and we share a cup of tea together. She never wants her own cup, just to drink from mine. I am not an early riser, but this special time we have carved out for each other in the morning makes it worth it. She sneaks into my room and whispers to me "time to get up" even in my worst moods, or worst sleeps she lights up my morning and makes it special. Around 630 Liam arrives and Avery is usually the first to greet him as he comes up the stairs. She moves over and my big boy snuggles into my lap for his turn of Mommy-time. Avery is a big girl and holds my cup as we plan the day and chat about what we are all up to. I usually move them into the kitchen and make their breakfast, scrambled eggs is a staple at our house. As I put their food on plates my biggest boy comes through, usually dressed, and wondering if we have OJ. Jake could drink a litre a day if I would let him! I usually have one ready for him and he sits to chat with his siblings. They are loud and they banter but I love the chatter as they talk about library day and special helpers. Somewhere in there I get ready for work, organize them and get us all out the door. Mommy time with Jake has recently been the ongoing activity of walking our dog, when the weather is nice we jog but right now we bundle up after work and school and take our terrier out for a brisk walk. She loves it and it gives Jake the opportunity to have Mommy-time with just Mommy. Being the oldest of 4 myself I can understand being lost in the crowd of other children's needs and I try hardest to cut out time for him. Supper is eaten at the table with all parties present. Each child has a job to do to create the meal, yes it takes longer, yes it is wilder but how will they learn to do it without you helping them learn? I have a table setter, a Mommy's helper, a salad maker and a table clearer at each meal. I have loved having them around me (trying to) contribute. After supper we do homework, little ones can watch a movie and I sit with the boys at the dining room table and we spell, write equations or whatever else is sent home that day. Then begins the bed count down, usually with Miss Early-riser telling me she is ready for her P-jam-jams... Off she goes to get ready and the boys wind down with a movie. I love the Disney classics, so do they! They have a few and the Lion King and 101 Dalmatians are the perfect movies to watch when I am putting the little ones to bed. I climb into her bad and wait for her to join me, she comes into her room dragging her special blankey and my heart melts. I just love my little girl. I smell her breath, this proves she brushed her teeth, and we read 2 books and then snuggle and talk for a few minutes and she starts to drift. I tell her I will check on her after I put the boys to bed and she nods...Already half gone. Liam has usually started getting ready by now, my kids have never disliked bed time, and I follow him downstairs as he tidies up I climb into his bed and wait.. He brings me a HUGE book every night and we negotiate how many pages I am going to read, he is an amazing reader but all my kids love me to read to them. I read the 10 pages we negotiated and he cuddles but quickly starts to fade... I kiss his cheek and tell him to sleep tight, every night he replies that bed bugs do not live in his bed. I adore this little genius-child. I go next door to Jake's room. He is usually reading and I flop down on his bed telling him I am just going to sleep here as I am not going to make it back up the stairs. He laughs and I cuddle with him, don't tell anyone he is 9 and he still cuddles, we chat I read him a book or a chapter of a book he is reading and I let him feel close. As kids grow up we touch them less. I think they need to be cuddled and reassured more.I tell him he is handsome and looks like his Dad, he smiles. I hug him and remind him how spring is coming and he is going to have to get back into shape soon, he rolls his eyes and laughs a little. I tell him good night and I will see him in the morning to which he nightly replies..."Not if I see you first." This child is an angel. They are all my gifts, my undeserved treasures of this world. I cannot imagine my life without them and their amazing qualities, traits and characters. Are your children your treasures? Do your eyes light up when they enter the room? Do they feel loved, always? Do they worry about disappointing you and strive to be better people because of that? Those are the goals I have for myself as a parent. I want my treasures to feel endless love, great respect and knowledge that their Mother will love them first no matter what. Is their anything better than being your kid's mom?

The Divine Love.

Children are the ambassadors of unconditional love. They wear it, live it and breath it. Most of us are dealing with the mess our parents made of our lives, all the while making a mess of our children's. The irony of this startles me. Am I doing the same thing to my children as my parents did? My children love me irregardless of my blunders and faults. They run to me when I pick them up from daycare and I feel the joy and love their little hearts are full of. Their little hearts beat a constant rhythm of contentment and strength. How do we lose that adoration and lust for life? When did becoming an adult mean that we are cynical of those around us and unable to focus on anything but their flaws. My daughter was bitten in the face last summer by a dog, she had a 2 inch gash under her left eye, my son's have nicknamed this spot her "beauty spot" she calls it her princess mark. This is a scar, is is now a small bubble of skin that has a small scratch around it. They don't see it that way, they see it as different and beautiful. I would be seeing plastic surgeons trying to get my face back but they have such a divine love in their hearts, they could never see their sister as flawed or wrong. I have learned a lot from "the gaggle" acceptance and love are only some of their amazing lessons. Is there anything better than being your kid's mom?

The Gaggle.

My stepson Jaden.

My Beautiful girl.

The Gaggle. Jake, Jaden, Avery, and Liam.

My Favorite picture of Liam. He loves dinosaurs and Science world on a snowy afternoon was his idea of heaven!

They are shouting "Go Team!"

I love to watch them learn and get really interested in subjects. I received 3 free kids passes to Science World from Ikea. I was in there last week spending a gift card I got there and the Kids Club had these coupons! When I got home Jonathan and I immediately decided that we would be having a "Liam devoted Family Day!" We do family activities based on what each child wants to do, they all get a turn. There is no complaining about the event. They all know it will be their turn soon enough. Jake decided he wanted to go to Jonathan"s hockey game and to his favorite restaurant The Old Spaghetti Factory on Friday night which meant it was Liam's turn. I was so excited to tell Liam. He is a dinosaur FANATIC! I know boys go through the dinosaur stage but Liam is a full on Dino-junkie! So Sunday morning we piled in the truck and drove out to Vancouver! He was vibrating the whole way! It was an amazing day and they all loved it. Liam was so good at being our tour guide and explaining each of the fossils. What each dinosaur ate and whether or not they were a herbivore or a carnivore. I was amazed at how much he knew!

The Snow.

The white flakes fall and the excitement begins. They start buzzing as soon as they wake up, so excited to go outside. Some kids just prefer to be outside, mine are a perfect example. Irregardless of temperature or weather, they'd rather be outside. Sometimes I wonder how they are my kids! I would rather be inside with a book and a cup of tea, but instead we worked on building our own ice arena in the backyard yesterday. I finally bribed them into the house on the promise we'd make cookies, while the little ones napped the bigger boys were out again. This time they were trying to build a snow pile big enough to climb over or fence in the back yard. I herded them in once again to warm up when I notice Liam's lips turning blue. They somewhat reluctantly came into the house and tried to amuse themselves like other kids, video games and movies... I found them staring out the window at the snow falling at least a dozen times as it got darker. Finally as bedtime approached we watched the Grinch and then Home Alone with popcorn. I asked them to go put on their PJ's and Liam said to me with complete shock that he wasn't going to bed, he was going outside to play! Today I am at work, I left all of them in the driveway after helping shovel out my car and the excited voices of them telling Jonathan their plans for the biggest snowman EVER! I am happily typing away with a warm cup of tea...

The Obsession.

I have become an obsessed over achiever. I never seem to be able to find the balance between being good at something and becoming obsessed with it. I have an addictive personality, not in regards to smoking, drinking, getting high, but in the socially acceptable world of organized, clean and now...Food. I am determined that not only will I change my kid's diet but they will not miss out on anything. This has me pouring over textbooks and food journals, looking online at every available site looking for recipe after recipe that the kids will love and look forward to eating. My success has been limited. They love all the fresh fruits, vegetables, soy milk and organic chocolate soy milk, they also love all the soy ice cream and the natural peanut butter and fruit leathers. They love eating the warm eggs with organic sausage and gluten-free pancake mix with all natural maple syrup or an even yummier natural sugar-free raspberry syrup. They have had no issues switching to rice chips with sea salt and animal cracker cookies with honey and rice flower. The issues have all revolved around one thing. Gluten. They want cookies, cake, they want bread, they want toast. Issue. Gluten-free products are usually substituted with rice flour, rice flour has a very fine texture which falls apart easily. So instead of sending a cookie to school you end up with a bag of crumbs. There is also the issue of fats. Kids get a lot of important fats from dairy, mine are now going without that so I have had to substitute it with protein fats like what is in nuts. We are not so into the nuts, I then thought of avocado! Made some guacamole dip to go with corn tortillas chips flavored with sea salt and thumbs down. The best comment was "It isn't the worst thing I have ever eaten." So on I search for a fulfilling cookie recipe and a fat source that does not come from an animal. This diet is not for people who don't like to plan I tell ya'! It is very tough to make sure that every meal that goes in their mouth is appropriate. I am pushing on, if there are any suggestions out there let me know!

The Day to Day.

I am amazed daily at the changes in my life. There is such satisfaction in finding answers and solutions, putting them into play and seeing the results flourish in front of you. Diet is the key to the mystery of autism. Plain and simple and I will tell it to anyone who will listen. Liam is a completely normal kid. I never thought I would be able to say that without adding an "except for". Yet here I am today typing it with pride. Normal. Liam has always been exceptionally smart. He is a genius, but along with the genius came a lot of eccentric behaviors. Removing the toxins floating through his body has changed him dramatically. This is only phase 1. The next phase is to introduce supplements into his diet. I am excited to see the change. Here is what we have done to date. I removed all dairy products from our home. This includes ice cream, sour cream, butter, and margarine. I removed all processed foods this includes lunch meats, hot dogs, anything that comes in an individually wrapped package, and slim-fast (that was me!) I removed all gluten products this includes bread, buns, pancakes, cereals, and pasta. I removed all foods with ANY forms of processed sugar like fruit snacks, granola bars, fruit juices from concentrate. Finally the tough one for my kids I removed all baking products. No cookies, cake, pie, brownies. All gone. They lived on lean proteins, rice, vegetables and fruits for 2 weeks. This is the cleansing stage. After the 2 weeks I introduced eggs, then we introduced soy including soy milk and soy cheese, then we introduced healthy baking including rice flour and honey and demura sugar, which is like a brown sugar that isn't processed. Huge success! They are eating better, feeling better, their tummies aren't bloated. They are learning, focus has improved and so has their energy! Liam, due to being autistic, was the most symptomatic. He struggled with the other kids in his class, rarely smiled and seemed to always have a black cloud following him around. He is beaming! He sings to me, crawls into my lap to cuddle, reads books to me. When asked to do something he is quick to jump to it. I am no longer reminding him several times to complete something he seems to be able to grasp it immediately. The best part is he is playing with the other kids. Never much of a joiner, I hear him now instructing Avery on how to be a better elephant or asking Jake to chase him. He is craving their attention. After dinner last night he walked into the family room and asked who wanted to play dinosaurs, the kid's mouths dropped as Liam NEVER shares his dinosaurs! They played on the floor for hours. The success is easy to talk about, implementing the changes is far more difficult. I used the band-aid approach. I explained to them that their life is different now and that the food choices would be changing. Tore away the old food clean. Some parents prefer small baby steps but in my case I only wanted to battle with Liam once. I knew if I won that it would be a permanent win. Rather than the 2 bowls of cereal that they used top eat in the morning I now scramble 8 eggs and bake 10 organic turkey sausages. They have a glass of organic sugar-free apple juice with some tasteless supplements , mixed in. I invested in 2 thermos' for the boys and they take chicken and rice or shepherd's pie or chili to school with them. It stays nice and warm in the thermos and they love it! I also include celery with organic peanut butter, carrot sticks, apples, bananas, Mandarin oranges, rice chips, banana chips, dried fruits, home made granola bars, sugar-free organic fruit snacks, anything that I can get my hands on that is different, healthy and delicious! Dinner includes a bowl of salad with loads of veggies in it including spinach,avocado, almonds, walnuts, soy cheese, and home made salad dressing. They gobble this up and love it when I try different things in their salad, although the radishes last night were not a huge hit! After salad they we eat lean meats with steamed veggies, rice or potato. The most difficult part has been trying to replace gravies and sauces to make their food interesting without having any of the creams, sugars and additives. Spices and lemon-pepper are good, but they wear pretty thin after awhile. I have introduced lamb into their diet, it is very high in calcium and is leaner than hamburger. I am hoping to find a fish that they will like to eat, nothing has worked so far! I am also feeling amazing, never one to not practice what I preach I am following the same diet. I have found my energy levels dramatically higher, it is easier to get up in the morning and I am more focused. The junk in our food is killing us. We no longer seem to care that the food we eat has NO nutritional value. We wonder why we are tired all the time and seem to lack focus. How can we eat 200-300 calories and not receive any nutrition in return? Food is our fuel, it is social, enjoyable, and can be delicious but it fuels our bodies first and foremost. The changes in my family are amazing and I hope others will try this way of life.

The Walk.

There are few things that scare me. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, rats or mice. I have no issues with heights, small places, or elevators. I use to think that there would never be something I couldn't conquer. I stand corrected. In this life there is a perfect plan for each of us, we are taught that our entire childhood. Things happen for a reason, there is a reason for everything. Then we are thrown a senseless, reasonless curve ball and we crumble. How do you justify the unjustifiable? How do you learn to see the good in things that are so unfair? How do you crawl while those around you run? The answer... You just do. What other choice is there but to continue? The walk is alone, there are few who can understand the emotional toll that is can take on you. The physical exhaustion. The endless guilt. The effort involved in even taking a breath. The soul crushing disappointment. When the waves of these emotions crash in there is only one thing that keeps you afloat, moving and pushing forward and that is the love of your child. No one can love them like you do. No one know them like you do. No one can take that from you. They are the reason that you walk. Alone or not. They are the journey. Finding him is the reason.